Bellends In Their Own Lifetime

The first review that was ever commissioned from me. A wierd line up, to be sure, but kind of intriguing. A relatively anonymous piece of writing, but passable, excepting the embarrassing Mondeo "joke". On the plus side, I can guarantee that this review doesn't mention The Beatles at any point.

THE LEGENDARY BOOGIEMEN/ BRIDGE/ MORSO, The Bully 28/1/03

Morso look like thay could have come straight from central casting as "the three piece support band". Except they're good. Little things put them above their peers: the vocals are strident, and well phrased; the drummer plays hard, but still has a good grasp of musical space; the bassist's backing vocals aren't just in tune, but are as good as the lead (albeit with the same silly American drawl).

Don't unfurl the bunting just yet, though, Morso do have limitations. Some songs get lost in a fallow college rock wasteland, and there's too much sloppy wah-wah plugging gaps like musical Polyfilla. But Morso are worth seeing.

Like Rich Tea biscuits, Bridge are pleasant, but inherently unexciting. Two keyboards tinkle away most of the time, over polite Radio 2 rhythms, whilst Marc Cohn, Billy Joel and even Gilbert O'Sullivan seem to be recurrent reference points. Bridge take us on a brisk jolly trot through the lot, and it's occasionally bracing, but the scenery ain't up to much.

Ultimately Bridge are neat, tidy, shiny and efficient, like a Ford Mondeo - you'll have to make up your own minds whether this is a desriable state for a pop band. They also have some extremely trite lyrics, my own personal favourite being, "So sue me, sweet lady". Maybe if I mention Mondeos enough Ford will send me one...

The Legendary Boogiemen aren't legendary, but they do boogie. And that's about all they do. It's roadhouse blues for boozing truckers, with all the subtlety this implies. Like a lukewarm Canned heat, a shallow Deep Purple and a skimmed Cream by turns, no matter what style they try, the tipsy sergeant major on drums plays exactly the same beat, and soon enough the guitarists launch into finesse-free solos, making Bully Jazzman Denny Illett look like the apex of pith and concision.

All this while the singer stumbles about confused, looking like Ronald Rreagan at a rave. They play a lumpen "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean". They play "Strange Brew", which sounds exactly the same. They even play the Top Gear theme. For what seems like twenty minutes. They're obviously adept musicians but this merely compounds the offence. Only two sorts of people will like the Boogiemen: those who have never had an idea in their heads, and those who have never heard rock music. And maybe the very very drunk. Rubbish. Unlike the Ford Mondeo.